“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
tis the season
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.