“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.