“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
#TopTip
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Ain’t no way
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.