Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
💯😂
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
They grow up so quick
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind