Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
the council will decide your fate
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach