Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.