every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.