every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.