Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Eat…
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles