Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You Might Also Like
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
(Electricians.)
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.