Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Cats (2019)

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose