Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏