Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.