Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
cat vs inanimate object
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Stop.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]