Every haunted house movie:
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I wanna be friends with this person
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?