Every haunted house movie:
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing