Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
