Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
