Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
