Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

They also CAN sing✌️

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches