Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Oh my god
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”