Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.