Every house has this drawer
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
…u ok Nintendo?
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Another day, another…goddammit
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.