Every house has this drawer
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I need to sieze this.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.