every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
due date
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush