every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
You Might Also Like
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.