[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?