Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man