Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Thoughts

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

Dishonest mechanic?

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal