Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.