Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them