Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.