Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.