Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
You Might Also Like
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Go gym
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
This probably isn’t good
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running