Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Please vote for people who are attractive
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes