Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.