Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I think we should hear other voices.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy