Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]