Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU
Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes