me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
me: 911 how would I know?
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty