HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
What?!?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.