@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

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@AbbyHasIssues

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.