Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.


It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.


I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.


Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead


*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt


“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.