@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

You Might Also Like

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

@LindaInDisguise

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

@The_JRM

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU

Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes