@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@RodLacroix

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

@HavocMantis

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

@Darlainky

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

@TomZohar

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty