Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

is it earth

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

A choir of Spring onions

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…