Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Hero horse inspires millions
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
that wasn’t the question
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
