Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.