Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

#merica

I ain’t wearing no wire

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.