Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This did not end as expected.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.