Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
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Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.