Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong