Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.