Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
the duality of man
