Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!