Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

*puts cutlery down*

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM