Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles