Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*