Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.