Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
concern
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait