Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
doing some research
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
the clam before the storm
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
So inspired right now.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”