Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

When ur friends with white people

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

this makes me so uncomfortable

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

when dads have a rap battle

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.