Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

dude it’s called proctologist

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question