Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
A Monday every week is excessive
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.