Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”