Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.