Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Meowchelangelo
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh