Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A classic…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Yup….perfect score!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.