Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
You Might Also Like
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
At least he brought enough for everyone
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!