Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

This took me a second..

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser