Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂