Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

My favorite type of men is ramen.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.