Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?