Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.