Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ACED my prostate exam!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad