Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
#damn
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.