Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.