Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
new record!
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.