Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Baller is short for ballerina

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted