Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

The biggest mystery of our time

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives