Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.